A Twain Observation: Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Abourezk's Laws of politics: 1. Don't worry about your enemies. It's your allies who will do you in.
2. The bigger the appropriation bill, the shorter the debate.
3. If you want to curry favor with a politician, give him credit for something that someone else did.

Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

Ackerman's Law of the Toolbox: The single odd-sized nut, bolt, or screw which you have seen every time you open your toolbox will disappear on the day a job calls for that particular size. Addam's Corollary: The wrench you need is never the wrench you have.

Adler's Axiom: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals - and from the bureaucrats. 
  Rule: It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

Agrait's Law: A rumor will travel fastest to the place where it will do the most damage.

Aigner's Axiom: No matter how well you perform your job, a superior will seek to modify the results.

Alan's Law of Research: The theory is supported as long as the funds are.

Albinak's Algorithm: When graphing a function, the width of the line should be inversely proportional to the  precision of the data.

Alice Hammond's Laws of the Kitchen: 1. Soufflés rise and cream whips only for the family and for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway.
2. The rotten egg will be the one you break into the cake batter.
3. Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be needed immediately thereafter for something else; any measuring utensil used for  liquid  ingredients will be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. 
4. Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion to time spent preparing it.
5. Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch.

Alinsky's Rule for Radicals: Those who are most moral are farthest from the problem.

Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of.

Allison's Precept: The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is the ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that area.

Amanda's Law of Management: Everyone is always someplace else.

Amerikaner's Law of Child Rearing: The child who begs to sleep late on school days will be up before dawn on the weekends. 
Law of Light: There are two kinds of Hanukkah candles: 1. Broken 2. Unlightable.

Ameringer's Axiom: Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising
     to protect each from the other.

Anderson's Axiom: You can be young only once, but you can be immature forever. 
Law of Golf: The player furthest from tee after the first shot will be furthest from the hole after the second shot.

                        Law of Literature: A book is a success when people who haven't read it pretend they have.
Laws of Survival for Low-level Managers: 1. Never be right too often. 
                                                                  2. Hints are better taken than given. 
Rule of Purchase: Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman.

Andra's Political Postulate: Foundation of a party signals the dissolution of a movement.

Andrew Young's Rule: Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it.

Angela's Axiom: The last sheet of gift wrap will be six inches smaller than the last gift to wrap.

Andra's Political Postulate: Foundation of a party signals the dissolution of a movement.

Angus' Exchange Axiom: When traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves markedly the day after one has purchased foreign currency. Corollary: Upon returning home, the rate drops again as soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency.

Andrew Young's Rule: Nothing is illegal if hundred businessmen decide to do it.

Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it - get a larger hammer.

Antiphanes' Axiom: Two things a man cannot hide: that he is drunk and that he is in love.

Anton's Business Axiom: Success is a matter of determining tense: Was something done; is something being done; will                     something have to be done?
Advice for Office Managers: When you want to stop the bickering, create a crisis.
Law of Stadiums and Arenas: When they brag keeping the price of the tickets down, the cost of the parking goes up.

Apple's Law of Recovery: You can't recover from a problem you don't have.

April and Peter's Law of Photography: The more equipment you carry, the more things that go wrong.

Aquinas's Warning: Beware the man of one book.

Aristotle's Dictum: One should always prefer the probable impossible to the improbable possible.

Arlen's Law: It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.

Armey's Axiom: You can't get ahead while getting even.

Arnold's Law of Documentation: 1. If it should exist, it doesn't.
2. If it does exist, it's out of date.
3. Only useless documentation transcends the first two laws.

Arthur's Laws of Love: 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
3. Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy.

Athena's Rules of Driving Courtesy: If you allow someone to get in front of you, either: 
a) the car in front will be the last over a railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting for a long, slow-moving train; or 
b) you both will have the same destination, and the other car will get the last parking space.

Atwood's Fourteenth Corollary: No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.

Austin's Law: Anything tastes better in someone else's home.

Avery's Observation: It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick something from the floor while you get up.

Axler's Advice: Leave it alone and they'll never notice.

Axwell's Distinction: If you can breathe the air but can't drink the water, you're in an developing country. If you can drink the water but can't breathe the air, you're in a developed country.

Babcock's Law: It can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

Bachman's Inevitability Theory: The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even if it subsequently becomes irrelevant. Corollary: The higher the level of prestige accorded to people behind a plan, the less chance there is of abandoning it.

Bacon's Maxim: Truth comes out of error more easily than out of confusion.

Bail's Law of Electricity: If a lamp, computer or air conditioner has a three-prong plug, the outlet you wish to run it to is a two-prong. Corollary: When looking to extend a three-prong plug, all your extension cords will be two-prong.

Baker's By-Law: When you are over the hill, you pick up speed. 
Law: You never want the one you can afford.
Rule: Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that           break down, and those that get lost.
Rule for Government-Funded Construction: To estimate the time for completion of a project, take the original estimate and add 60 days. To estimate the time for completing the project correctly, add 120.

Bakken's Rule of Damage Control: The first person to recognize the problem  will be deemed responsible for it.

Balch's Law: Your new hardware won't run your old software

Baldridge's Law: If we knew what we were getting into, we would never get into anything.

Ballance's Law of Relativity: How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Balzac's Axiom: Behind every great fortune, there is a crime.

Banana Principle: If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, there won' be any left by the time they are ripe. If you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten.

Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his or her own physician.

Barb's First Rule of the Office: Purchases of equipment and supplies will increase to match the funds available.
 Third Rule of Purchasing: Any new filing cabinet is immediately filled.

Barbara's Law: Never say "wow" with food in your mouth.
Rule of Class Schedules: Scheduling two classes in a row ensures that they will meet in classrooms at opposite ends of the campus.
Third Rule of the Office: The likelihood of a copier breakdown increases in proportion to the urgency of the material being copied.

Barker's Law of Lost Tools: A lost tool will turn up when you don't need it. Corollary: When you need it again, you can't find it.

Barnhill's Spare Button Principle: Shirts that come with extra buttons never lose buttons.

Barr's Inertial Principle: Asking a group of scientists to revise their theory is like asking a group of cops to revise the law.

Barron's Law: Somebody else gets the last one.

Barry's Rule: If you stop to think, remember to start again.

Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. 
Law: Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.

Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Basic Baggage Principle: Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will come in on another one.

Basic Law of Befuddlement and Football: The best defense is a good offense.

Bates's Law of Research: Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they're blind.

Baxter's Law: An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.

Beach's Law: No two identical parts are alike.

Beckhaps Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Bedfellow's Rule: The one who snores will fall asleep first.

Beeman's Refutation: Granted, they're putting their pants on one leg at a time, but when it comes to shoes it's both feet first.

Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

Beirce's Definition: A boor is a person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Belinda's Law: The chance of a computer crash is directly proportional to the importance of the document you are working on.

Bellotti's Computer Axiom: Your ability to recall the name of a file is inversely proportional to its importance. Corollary: When you put it in memory, remember where you put it.

Bell's Theorem: When a body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. Gable's Extension: If you leave your shower to answer the call, the telephone stops ringing.

Benchley's Law: Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

Benedict's Law of Carpooling: As soon as you switch to the carpool lane, the other lanes of traffic speed up.

Bentley's Observation: Any short line is still too long.

Benton's Law of Golf: Demo clubs only work until you buy them.
Observation on Business: The staff recommendation that is rejected out of hand will find favor when expressed by a consultant.

Bergen's Law: There's nothing worse than a stupid law.

Berkeshire's Law of Household Budgeting: Just after you've made both ends meet, someone moves the ends.

Berk's Household Appliance Principle: The old one breaks the day after the sale on new one ends.

Bern's Rule: There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Bernstein's Precept: The radiologists' national flower is the hedge.

Berra's Advice: When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Laws: 1. You can observe a lot just by watching. 
       2. Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.

Berry's Second Law of Food Stains: The most expensive piece of clothing acquires the most damaging stain.

Bershader's Law of Research: Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same laboratory.

Beryl's First Law: The "Consumer Report" on the item will come out a week after you've made your purchase. Corollaries: 1. The         one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 2. The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy".
Second Law: It's always easy to see both sides of an issue you are not particularly concerned about.

Bess's Universal Principles: 1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys. 2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up.

Bette Davis's Comment about Aging: Old age is no place for sissies.

Big Al's Law: A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.

Bigelow's First Law of Construction Projects: No matter how many cost-saving measures are instituted along the way, the overall cost of a project either remains the same or increases.

Billing's Law: Silence is one of the hardest things to refute.

Biondi's Law: If your project doesn't work, check the part you didn't think was important.

Bitton's Postulate on State-of-the-Art Electronics: If you understand it, it's obsolete.

Blaauw's Law: Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.

Blair's Observation: The best-laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.

Bloch's Law of Golf Improvement: Expectations will rise such that your level of aggravation remains a constant.

Bobby's Belief: Confusion not only reigns, it pours. 
Law: Unbreakable toys aren't.

Bob's First Law of Bachelorhood: Where there's smoke, there's dinner. 
Law of Appliances: The repairman will never have seen a model like yours before. 
Law of Television: If you switch from one football game to another in order to avoid a commercial, the second game will be running a commercial too.

Bocklage's Law: He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

Bodrug's Law: No one has ever erected a monument to a committee.

Bogovich's Law: He who hesitates is probably right.

Bohr's Axiom: The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 
Law: An expert is someone who has made all of the possible mistakes in a very narrow field of study.

Boling's Postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Bombeck's Law of Heredity: Insanity is hereditary; you get it from kids.

Bonner's Theory of Real Estate: No matter what you attempt, there is probably an ordinance against it.

Bonnie's Law: The stain remover works on any stain except the one you have.

Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Bloch's Rebuttal: You always find something in the first place you look, but you never find it the first time you look there.

Booker T. Washington's Rule: You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.

Booker's Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.

Booth's Grocery Store Principle: Regardless of the product you are looking for, someone else's shopping cart will be in front of it.

Boren's Law: 1. When in doubt, mumble. 
2. When in trouble, delegate. 
3. When in charge, ponder. 
Law for Cats: When in doubt, wash.

Borkowski's Law: You can't guard against the arbitrary.

Bornstein's Rule for the Weekend Handyman: The garden hose, extension cord, or ladder will be too short for the job. Corollary: The job will be too long to be completed in one weekend.

Borrok's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Bowersox's Law of the Workshop: If you have only one nail, it will bend.
2. You can always find three nuts to fit the four screws you need.

Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.

Bralek's Rule for Success: Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you when things go wrong.

Breda'a Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Breznikar's Interest Principle: Almost everything is more popular than it used to be.
Law of Computer Technology: Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw

Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.

Brintnall's Second Law: If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Britt's Green Thumb Postulate: The life expectancy of a houseplant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness.

Bromberg's Laws of Automotive Repair: 1. When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you becomes a hammer.
2. No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil. 
3. When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used interchangeably.

Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something that either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Brook's Law: Adding personnel to a late software project makes it later. 
Laws of Retailing: Security isn't. Management can't. Sale promotions don't. Consumer assistant doesn't. Workers won't.

Brown's Law of Business Success: Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.
First Rule: Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Second Rule: One of the keys to happiness is bad memory.
Rules of Leadership: 1. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
        2. The best way to succeed in politics is to find a crowd that's going somewhere and get in front of them.

Brownian Motion Rule of Bureaucracies: It is impossible to distinguish, from a distance, whether the bureaucrats associated with your project are simply sitting on their hands, or frantically trying to cover their asses.
Heisenberg's Addendum: If  you observe a bureaucrat closely enough to make the distinction above, he will react to your observation by covering his ass.

Buchwald's Law: As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Buechner's Principle: The simplest explanation is that is doesn't make sense.

Bunuel's Law: Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.

Burke's First Rule: Never create a problem for which you do not have the answer. Corollary: Create problems for which only           you have the answer.
Second Rule: Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

Butler's Observation: An expert is somebody who knows more and more about less and less.

Butner's Law: He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Byrne's Law of Concreting: When you pour, it rains.