Edd's Law of Radiology: The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body you are required to place upon it.

Eddie's First Law of Business: Never conduct negotiations before 10 A.M. or after 4 P.M. Before 10 you appear too anxious, and after 4 they think you're desperate.

Edelstein's Advice: Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.

Edington's Theory: The number of different hypothesis erected to explain a given phenomenon is inversely proportional to the available knowledge.

Duck's Political Principle: Any campaign reform only lasts until the powers regroup.

Dude's Law of Duality: Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.

Duezabou's Observation: If you abstain from drinking, smoking and carousing, you may not live longer - but it will feel longer.

Edward's Laws: 1. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 
  2. You spend more time doing what you don't want to be doing than doing what you want to do.
Law of Federally-Funded Projects: For any public project overseen by a board, committee, or commission, more time will be spent studying, cataloguing, reporting on, and administering the project than working on the project itself.  
Law of Higher Education: The class, lecture, or seminar that is the most critical will come to your attention one day after the filing deadline. 
Second Law of Photography: You never encounter problems developing your worst shots. 
Time/Effort Law: Effort x Time = Constant. a. Given a large initial time to do something, the initial effort will be small. b. As time goes to zero, effort goes to infinity. Corollary: If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would be done.        
Theory of the Reconstitution of Junk: Any space created from the disposal of old junk will be taken up by the storage of new junk.  
Edward on the Business of the Business: A schedule is that which is supposed to keep everything from happening at the same time, but never does.

Ehrman's Commentaries: 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 2. Who said things would get better?

Einstein's Extension of Parkinson's Law: A work project expands to fill the space available. Corollary: No matter how large the work space, if two projects must be done at the same time they will require the use of the same part of the work space. 
Observation: Inasmuch as the mathematical theorems are related to reality, they are not sure; inasmuch as they are sure, they are not related to reality.
on Math and Science: 1. The whole thing of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.
    2. Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal. 
      3. If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.
    4. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
    5. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. 
on Life: 1. Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. 
    2. Imagination is more important than knowledge. 
      3. The only real valuable thing is intuition. 
    4. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. 
      5. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
      6. Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. 
 on Problematics: We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

Eldon's Electronic Excuse for the Millennium: The check is in the e-mail.

Eldridge's Law of War: Man is always ready to die for an idea, provided that the idea is not quite clear to him.

Ellard's Law: Those who want to learn will learn. Those who do not want to learn will lead enterprises. Those incapable of either learning or leading will regulate scholarship and enterprise to death.

Ellis's Observation: Progress is the exchange of one nuisance for another.

Elliott's Axiom: All children are future ex-idealists.

Ely's Key to Success: Create a need and fill it.
            Law: Wear the right costume and the part plays itself.

Emely's Rule of Sporting Events (The Super Bowl Principle): The more highly anticipated the sporting event, the less exciting it will be.

Emerson's Observation: In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.

Ender's Law: The first attempt to simplify or clarify a complex set of data will result in muddling the issue further.

Endo's Betamax Principle: If there are two competing and incompatible technologies on the market, the inferior technology will prevail.

Eng's Principle: The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.

Engle's Law: When you stand up to be counted, someone will take your seat.

Engler's Rule of Innovation: Innovation requires bypassing - not building upon - existing expertise.

Erickson's Equivalent: Surfing the Internet is like spending an entire day at a magazine rack.

Erma Bombeck's Law of Heredity: Insane is hereditary; you get it from your kids.

Ertz's Observation: Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Esquire's Comment: The better the relationship starts out, the faster it fades.

Essential Law on Deliveries: The heavier the package, the farther away you must park to deliver it.

Esther's Law: The fussiest person will be the one to get the chipped coffee cup, the glass with lipstick or the hair in the food.

Etorre's Observation: The other line always moves faster. O'Brien's Variation on Etorre's Observation: If you change lines, the one you just left will start to move faster than the one you are now in. Kenton's Corollary: Switching back screws up both lines and makes everybody angry.

Evan's Law: Once you give up integrity, the rest is easy.

Evan and Bjorn's Law: No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would

Evans's Law: If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you just don't understand the problem...

Eve's Discovery: At a bargain sale, the dress you like is the only one not on sale. Adam's Corollary: It's easy to tell when you've got a bargain - it doesn't fit.

Everitt's Laws of Thermodynamics: 1. Confusion is always increasing in society. 
2. Only if someone or something works extremely hard can this confusion be reduced to order in a limited region. 
3. Nevertheless, this effort will still result in an increase in the total confusion of society at large.

Extended Epstein-Heisenberg Principle: In an R & D orbit, only 2 of the existing 3 parameters can be defined simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time, and resources ($). 
1. If one knows what the task is, and there is a time limit allowed for the completion of the task, then one cannot guess how much it will cost. 
2. If the time and resources are clearly defined, then it is impossible to know what part of the R & D task will be performed. 
3. If you are given a clearly defined R & D goal and a definite amount of money which has been calculated to be necessary for the completion of the task, you cannot predict if and when the goal will be reached. If one is lucky enough and can accurately define all 3 parameters, then what one deals with is not in the realm of R & D.

F. P. Jones's Observation: Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.

Fagan's Rule of Bureaucratic Structure: The incompetent objects loudest to the incompetence in others.

Fagin's Rule on Past Prediction: Hindsight is an exact science.

Fairfax's Law: Any facts which, when included in the argument, give the desired result, are fair facts for the argument.

Fahnstock's Rule for Failure: If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that shows you tried. Third Rule of Debate: Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.

Fant's Law: When attempting to open a locked door with only one hand free, the key will be in the opposite pocket.

Farber's Fourth Law: Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

Farmer's Credo: Sow your wild oats on Saturday's night - then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

Farrell's Law of Newfangled Gadgetry: The most expensive component is the one that breaks.

Farther Fitzgerald's Rule: Behave as if you were watched.

Farther O'Malley's Law: Any Sunday on which the church receives above-average donations is followed by two Sundays of below-average donations.

Fausner's Definition: Housework is what nobody notices unless it's not done.

Feinberg's Second Principle: Memory serves its own master.

Felson's Law: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Felton's Law: Whatever plan one makes, there is a hidden difficulty somewhere. Corollary: The hidden difficulty becomes obvious when it is too late to change plans.

Felt's Law of Golf: The first time you three-put will be on the first green you hit in regulation.

Femo's Law of Automotive Engine Repairing: If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.

Ferguson's Precept: A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's forget the whole thing."

Fett's Law of the Lab: Never replicate a successful experiment

Feyneman's Law: Science is the belief in the ignorance of the experts.

Fifth Law of Committee Dynamics: The most efficient or creative idea will come from someone not officially assigned to the committee.

Fifth Law of Design: Design flaws travel in groups.

Fifth Law of Desire: If you will get what you want, it will come when you can't use it.

Fifth Law of Programming: It easier to change the specifications to fit the program than vice versa.

Fifth Law of Retail: If you can get it at the best price, you can't get it quickly. If you can get it quickly, you can't get it the best price.

Fifth Law of Unreliability: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Fifth Rule of Success in Business: Keep your boss's boss of your boss's back.

Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 
General Theorem: When everything is going right, something is wrong. 
Law According to Niven: The perversity of the universe tends to a maximum. 
Laws: 1. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
        2. No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened to his or her own pet theory.
        3. In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Corollaries: A. No one whom you ask for help will see it.  B. Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately.
         4. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Laws of Information: 1.The Information you have is not what you want. 
            2. The Information you want is not what you need. 
            3. The Information you need is not what you can obtain. 
            4. The Information you can obtain costs more than you want to pay. 
Rules for Research: 1. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
             2. Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working. 
             3. Always draw your curves, then plot your data.'
             4. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
         5. Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way. 
             6. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
             8. Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. 

Finman's Bargain Basement Principle: The one you want is never the one on sale. Baker's Corollary: You never want the one you can afford. 
Law of Mathematics: Nobody wants to read anyone else's formulas.

Firmage's First Rule of Auto Repair: That which is attached with only two bolts is directly behind something attached with eight. 
First Rule of Child Care: Rather than bribing, teasing, forcing or hoodwinking your baby to take  pill, place it on the floor. It will be eaten.
Law of Family Planning: The next pregnancy comes nine months after the last cloth diaper is thrown away.
Law of Time Management: When you finally take time to smell the roses, you will find out you have hay fever.

First Law of Applied Confusion: The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75 percent of the balance of the shipment.

First Law of Assembly: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.

First Law of Business Calls: The most persistent callers have the least important business.

First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

First Law of Bridge: It's always the partner's fault.

First Law of Consumer Checking: The bank's balance is always smaller than yours.

First Law of Consumer Spending: The item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at a regular price.

First Law of Corporate Planning: Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.

First Law of Debate: Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference.

First Law of Employee Benefits: The illness you come down with is the one ailment your group insurance doesn't cover.

First Law of Executive Privilege: The CEO is never late, only delayed.

First Law of Final Exams: Pocket calculator batteries that have lasted all semester will fail during the math final. Corollary: If you bring extra batteries they will be defective.

First Law of Government Press Conferences: The more upbeat the announcement, the more important the bureaucrat announcing is.

First Law of Living: As soon as you're doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.

First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.

First Law of Money Dynamics: A surprise monetary windfall will be accompanied by an unexpected expense of the same amount.

First Law of Negotiations: A negotiation shall be considered to be successful if al parties walk away being screwed.

First Law of Particle Physics: The shorter the life of the particle, the greater it costs to produce.

First Law of Politics: Stay in with the outs.

First Law of Practical Science: Don't be misled by the facts.

First Law of Product Testing: The biggest deficiency will never show itself during the test run.

First Law of Repair: You can't fix it if it ain't broke.

First Law of Scientific Progress: The advance of science can be measured by the rate at which exceptions to previously held laws accumulate. Corollaries: 1. Exceptions always outnumber rules. 2. There are always exceptions to established exceptions. 3. By the time one masters the exceptions, no one recalls the rules to which they apply.

First Law of Slide Presentations: In any slide presentation, at least one slide will be upside down, backward or both.

First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.

First Law of Spelunking: Never try to crawl through a hole smaller than your head.

First Law of Traffic: The slow lane you were stopped in starts moving as soon as you leave it.

First Law of Travel: It always takes longer to get there than to get back.

First Law of Timekeeping: If there are more than two clocks in a home, no two will show the same time.

First Maxim of the Corporation (The "We've Always Done It That Way Before" Maxim): When choosing between consistency and correctness, choose consistency.

First Postulate of Iso-Murphism: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.

First Principle of Administration: Never implement anything for the first time.

First Principle of Child Behavior: If there's no room on the floor, somebody will throw it on the bed.

First Principle of Self-Determination: What you resist, you become.

First Rule of Acting: Whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

First Rule of Advertising: Sell the sizzle, not the product.

First Rule of Applied Mathematics: Ninety-eight percent of all statistics are made up.

First Rule of Assembly and Production: The simple solution becomes evident just after the task is completed.

First Rule of Brainstorming: The person who says that no idea is a bad idea is the one who has no good ideas.

First Rule of Business: Having a detailed business plan doesn't guarantee success, but not having one guarantees failure.

First Rule of Consulting: Every $100 worth of billing takes $150 worth of time and effort.

First Rule of Foreign Sales: Any foreign payments will be at the worst possible exchange rate.

First Rule of Government Spending: The amount of funding allocated to a government program is in inverse proportion to that program's effectiveness.

First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself - historians merely repeat each other.

First Rule of Intelligent Tinkering: Save all the parts.

First Rule for Interns: Never say, "I'm new at this" to a patient.

First Rule of Negative Anticipation: You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you don't burn your bridges until you come to them.

First Rule of Pathology: Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.

First Rule of Superior Inferiority: Don't let your superiors know you're better than they are.

Firth's Theorem: Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.

Fish's Laws of Animal Behavior: 1.The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it.
2. The probability that the household pet will raise a fuss to go in or out is directly proportional to the number and importance of your dinner guests.

Fitz-Gibbon's Law: Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved with the broth.

Flon's Law: There is no language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood, you realize the world is composed of aluminum and vinyl.
Rule: The slowest checker is always at the express checkout lane.

Ford's Advice: Failure is the opportunity to begin more intelligently.

Foster's Law: The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault-finders.

Four Workshop Principles: 1. The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one missing from the tool chest.
2. Most projects require three hands.
3. Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
4.The more carefully you plan a project, the more confusion there is when something goes wrong.

Fourth Law of Business: The day you're running behind schedule is the day all your appointments are running on time.

Fourth Law of Bus Riding: Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.

Fourth Law of Human Nature: The less you know about it, the easier it is to argue about it.

Fourth Principle of Telephone Dynamics: A wrong call made to your phone tends to repeat itself.

Fourth Rule of Bureaucratic Action: In any bureaucracy, busy work tends to drive out useful work.

Fowler's Note: The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.

Fox on Bureaucracy: A bureaucracy can outwait anything. Corollary: Never get caught between two bureaucracies. 
Decisiveness: 1. Decisiveness is not in itself a virtue. 2. To decide not to decide is a decision. To fail to decide is a failure. 3. An important reason for an executive's existence is to make sensible exceptions to policy. 
Levelology: What will get you promoted on one level will get you killed on another. 
Power: Arrogance is too often the companion of excellence. 
Problematics: When a problem goes away, the people working to solve it do not. 
Yesmanship: It's worth scheming to be the bearer of good news. Corollary: Don't be in the building when bad news arrives.

France's Rule of Folly: If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

Franco's Law of the Workplace: If you enjoy what you're doing, you're probably doing it wrong.

Frank's Phone Phenomena: 1. If you have a pen, there's no paper. 2. If you have paper, there's no pen. 3. If you have both, there's no message.

Fredericks's Laws of Marketing: 1. Never listen to your own hype. 2. Never get downwind from your marketing.

Freeman's Rule: Circumstances can force a generalized incompetent to become competent, at least in a specialized field.

Freivald's Law : Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.

Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored. Corollary: Just because you're bored doesn't mean you know what you're doing.

Frick's Paradox of Figures: If it works out correctly the first time, something is wrong.

Fried's Law: Ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.

Friedman's Observation: Human beings are distinguished from other animals more by their ability to rationalize than their ability Response to the Feminist Dictum: A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

Frost's Definition: A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. 
Statement: In working eight hours per day you might become the boss - working twelve hours per day.

Frothingham's Fallacy: Time is money. 
Fourth Law: Urgency varies inversely with importance.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 
of Creativity: To get a good idea, get lots of ideas. Duff's Counter-Law: The more ideas you have, the more difficulty you will have recognizing the good ones.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Fuller's Law of Journalism: The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the greater the number of dead or injured required for it to become a story.

Fulton's Law of Gravity: The effort of catching a breakable falling object will cause more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first place.

Furbill's Black Thumb Maxim: There are two kinds of houseplants - those that get too much water, and those that never get enough.

Futility Factor: No experiment is ever a complete failure - it can always serve as a negative example.