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IBM Pollyanna Principle: Machines should work people should think.

Iles's Law: There is always an easier way to do it. Corollaries: 1. When looking directly at the easier way,
    especially for long periods, you will not see it.  2. Neither will Iles.

Imbesi's Law of the Conservation of Filth: In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty.
    Freeman's Extension: ... but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.

Imhoff's Law: The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank-the really big chunks always rise to the top.

Indisputable Law of Sports Contracts: The more money a free agent signs for,
    the less effective that person is in the following season.

Inge's Axiom: It is useless for sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while wolves remain of a different opinion.
  Rule: Originality is undetected plagiarism

Ingersoll's Law of Nature: In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.

Irene's Law of Dating: There is no right way to say the wrong thing.

Irishman's Lemma: Faith is believin' what you know ain't so.

Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.

Irv's Law of Golf: Any swing improvement will only last three holes.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale.
    Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

Issawi's Law of the Conservation of Evil: The total amount of evil in any system remains constant. Hence, any diminution
     in one direction - for instance, a reduction in poverty or unemployment - is accompanied by an increase in another,
     e.g., crime or air pollution.
  Laws of Committo-Dynamics: 1. Comitas comitatum, omnia comitas. 2. The less you enjoy serving an committees,
    the more likely you are to be pressed to do so. 3. Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairpersons.
  Laws of Progress: The course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse.
   The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 
   The Dialectics of Progress: Direct action produces direct reaction.
   The Pace of Progress:  Society is a mule, not a car ... If pressed too hard, it will kick and  throw off its rider.
  Observation on the Consumption of Paper: Each system has its own way of consuming vast amounts of paper:
    in socialist societies by filling large forms in quadruplicate,
    in capitalist societies by putting up huge posters and wrapping every article in four layers of cardboard.

Issawi-Wilcox Principle: Problems increase in geometric ratio, solutions in arithmetic ratio.

J. S. Gillette's Commentary on Decisions: I always know what I want ... I just keep changing my mind.

J. T.'s Law of Technical Support: The better the customer service, the sooner you get to speak with someone
     who can't help you.

J. W.'s Rule: There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

J. Walker's Rule: On the morning you get to sleep in, somebody nearby is raising a racket.

Jacob's Law: To err is human; to blame it on someone else is even more human.

Jacobson's Law: The less work an organization produces, the most frequently it reorganizes.

Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

Jaffe's Precept: There are some things that are impossible to know - but it is impossible to know these things.

James's Principle: There is no greater lie than a truth misunderstood.

Jana and Marsha's Law of the Beauty Shop: The most flattering comments on your hair come the day
    before you're scheduled to have it cut.

Jana's Definition: If you want it but you don't, and you can't understand it but you do, it must be love. 
  Laws of Love: 1.
A dandelion from a lover means more than an orchid from a friend.
Better a pebble given out of love than a diamond given out of duty. 
  Law of Telephone Dynamics:
The phone call you sat waiting for comes only after you've gotten up and left. 
  Law of the Season:
The one friend or relative for whom you didn't buy a gift will arrive with a gift for you.

Janda's Law: When you finally meet the perfect woman, she will be waiting for the perfect man.

Jane's Observation: Plastic tape sticks to itself better than it sticks to anything else.

Japanese Proverb: The reverse side also has a reverse side.

Jaroslovsky's Law: The distance you have to park from your apartment increases in proportion to the weight of packages
     you are carrying.

Jaruk's Second Law: If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company will insist upon repairing the old one.
If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the company will insist upon buying the latest model.

Jay's First Law of Leadership: Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them
    before anyone else does is creative leadership.

J. Edwards' Dictum on Photography: As soon as you have the shot perfectly framed, someone will walk into the picture.

Jean's Law: The lightest-colored fabric attracts the darkest-colored stain.

Jeff's of Procrastination: Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
  Law of Rental Cars:
When buying gas for a rental car, nine times out of ten you will pull up to the wrong side
     of the gas pump. 
  Theorem of the Stock Market:
The price of a stock moves inversely to the number of shares purchased.

Jefferson’s Axiom: We rarely repent of having eaten too little.
Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional
     to the cost of the carpet.
We all are going down the same road in different directions.

Jensen's Law: Win or lose, you lose.

Jerome's Rule: It is always the best policy to speak the truth - unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

Jerry's Law: Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

Jessica's Rule of Billing Disputes: If the problem is not resolved in the first two minutes it will not be solved that day.

Jilly and Rob's Conclusion: Life is too serious to be taken very seriously.

Jilly's Law of the Post Office: A Guaranteed Delivery Date is a guaranty that your delivery will take place on a day
     with a date.
  Third Law:
The worse the haircut, the slower it grows out.

Jim Murray’s First Rule: Nothing is ever so bad it can’t be made worse by firing the coach.

Jo Peed's Very General Law of Life in General: If you wish it would, it won't; unless you don't, in which case it probably will.

Joe's Law: The inside contact that you have developed at great expense is the first person to be let go in any reorganization.

John Stone's Maxim: Start low, then taper off.

John's Collateral Corollary: In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
  Law of Notebooks and Legal Pads:
The paper never tears neatly at the perforation.
    Jason's Extension:
The strongest part of any paper is the perforation.

Johnson and Laird's Law: A toothache tends to start on Saturday night.

Johnson's New Year's Party Dictum: Nothing is more hopeless than a scheme of merriment.
  Laws: 1. The number of minor illnesses among the employees is inversely proportional to the health of the organization. 
If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contained the article, story or installment
                   you were most anxious to read. Corollary: All your friends either missed it, lost it, or threw it out. 
If, in the course of several months, only three worthwhile social events take place,
                  they will all fall on the same evening.
         4. If there are two objects in your pocket and you try to remove either one, they both come  out.
                  Corollary: Every object that is in the pocket has to be removed before getting the one you want. 
         5. Inanimate objects can temporarily cease to exist.
         6. Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel. 
         7. When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time. 
         8. Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.

Jolly’s Law of Influence: The less people listen, the more correct you are.

Jones's Laws: 1. Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough,
       becomes an obstruction to its progress - in direct proportion to the importance of his original contribution.  
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
    3. Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 
    4. Originality is the art of concealing your source.
  Laws of TV Programming: 1.
If there are only two shows worth watching, they will be on at the same time.
The only new show worth watching will be cancelled.
The show you've been looking forward to all week will be preempted. 
  Law of Publishing:
Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book is in print.
     Bloch's Corollary
The first page the author turns to upon receiving an advance copy
        will be the page containing the worst error. 
  Law of Zoos
and Museums: The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. 
Friend come and go, but enemies accumulate.
   Rule: Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a  stranger

Jong's Law: Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Jordan's Law: An informant who never produces misinformation is too deviant to be trusted.

Jose's Axiom: Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.
Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary.

Josh's Law: When all else fails, try your wife's suggestion.

Joubert’s Principle: Kindness consists in loving people more than they deserve.

Jowett’s Law: The way to get things done is not to mind who gets the credit of doing them.

Joy's Primary Rule of Gardening: The first plant that snails attack is the plant you love most.
A household pet will destroy your second favorite. 
  Rule of Garage Cleanups:
Whatever needs to be moved cannot be moved until something else is moved first. 
  Rule of Shopping for Sales:
If you have the money but wait for the sale, by the time of the sale you won't have the money.

Juarez's Laws: 1. Humans are the only animals able to retrace their steps to make the mistakes they had previously avoided.
The greater the number of people involved in an event, the less intelligent each of the participants becomes.
  3. A plea for justice is often a claim for injustice in one's own favor.

Judge Fanin's Law: Liability follows damages.

Juhani's Law: The compromise will always be more expensive than either of the suggestions it is compromising.

Junior's Law: Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Just’s Law of Traffic Behavior: The more decrepit the vehicle, the more maniacal the driver.

Kagel's Law: Anything adjustable will eventually need adjustment.
  Laws of Book Borrowing: 1. Any book that you want to keep, but lend out, will not be returned.
. Any book that you lend and have no particular interest in keeping will be returned.

Kaiser's Comment: Never open a can of  worms unless you plan to go fishing

Kamin's Sixth Law: When attempting to predict and forecast macro-economic moves of economic legislation by a politician,
    never be misled by what he says; instead - watch what he does.

Kaner's Theory of Futility: There is never a right time for things to go wrong.

Karen's Checkbook Law for Women: Whatever you are looking for is in the other purse.
If you like it, it's not on your diet. 
  Observation for Administrative Assistants:
The ability to operate a copier or a fax machine varies inversely
     with the rank of the person in the company. 
  Weekly Observation:
A crying child will cease crying as soon as a parent gets up to take him out of church.

Karinthy's Definition: A bus is a vehicle that goes on the other side in the opposite direction.

Karl's Second Law of Computer Programming: The program that performs best will be revised.

Kate's Law of Business Lunches: A spill lands on the most visible area of your clothing.

Katz's Law: People and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Kauffman's First Law of Airports: The distance to the gate is inversely proportional to the time available to catch your flight. 
  Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

Kavaleski's Dictum: If credit can possibly go to someone else, it will.

Kaye's Airline Observation: The heavier the suitcase, the farther the walk to check in. 
  First Rule of Household Repair:
In attempting to repair any small household appliance,
    there will be at leat two parts that need to be replaced. One of these parts will be unobtainable.
  Law of Bathroom Repair:
When a small part falls, it will fall down the sink or bathtub drain.
When a large part falls it will fall into the toilet. 
  Laws of Plumbing Repair: 1.
In any plumbing repair, it will - at some time - be necessary to replace a part that has
     become obsolete. 2. The replacement for an obsolete part will be a newly designed part that will not fit perfectly.
   Davis's Corollary:
No matter how well the replacement part fits, you will not have confidence in the job it's doing. 
The more expensive the restaurant, the less-cooked the food is.

Kaylin's Shopping Axiom: If you like it and can afford it, it won't be available when you want it.
    If you like it and can have it immediately, it won't be affordable.

Kegley's Law: If a pickpocket meets a saint, he sees only his pockets

Keiper's Warning: No boss will keep an employee who proves him wrong.

Keller's Theory of the Conservation of Work: The less it needs to be done, the slower it gets done.
  Constant: Any flattering photo of yourself will, at some point, elicit a comment that the photo looks nothing like you.

Kelley's Law: Nothing is ever as simple as it first seems.

Kelly's First Law of Aerial Navigation: The most important information on any chart is on the fold, which is torn. 
  Law: There is no right way to do a wrong thing.
Living in the past has one thing in its favor - it's cheaper.

Kelso's Law of Cable TV: The only worthwhile programs of the night will broadcast on stations you don't receive.

Ken's Law: A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.

Kennedy's Comment on Committees: A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed
     in the most inaccessible location.

Kent's Family Law: Never change your plans because of the weather.

Kepler's Law of Ecology: Nature uses as little as possible of anything.

Kepler's Law of Ecology: Nature uses as little as possible of everything.

Kerr-Martin Laws: 1. In dealing with their own problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives.
. In dealing with other people's problems, they are the most extreme liberals.

Keye's First Axiom: Any quotation that can be changed will be.

Kierkegaard's Observation: Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Kim's Rule on Committees: If an hour has been spent amending a sentence, someone will move to delete the paragraph.

Kinney's Rule: To spot the doctor, pick the one who still has his appendix and tonsils.

Kirby's Comment on Committees: A committee is the only life form with twelve stomachs and no brain.

Kissinger's Axiom: University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. 
  Codicil: Ninety percent of politicians give the other ten percent a bad name.
  Second Comment: The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

Kitman's Law: Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.

Kline’s Rule of Contract Law: The one document missing will contain the information upon which all the other documents depend.

Klipstein's Laws of General Engineering: 1. A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar application
         made by an independent worker. 
. Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness of the schedule. 
. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed
        in furlongs per fortnight. 
Any wire cut to length will be too short. 
  Laws of Prototyping and Production: 1
. Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty to assemble. 
. If a project requires 'n' components, there will be 'n-1' units in stock. 
. A motor will rotate in the wrong direction. 
. A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 
. A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. 
. A failure will not appear until the unit has passed final inspection. 
. A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs long enough, and only long enough, to pass incoming inspection. 
. After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from the access cover, it will be discovered
         that the wrong access cover has been removed. 
. After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted. 
. After an instrument has been fully assembled, extra components will be found on the work bench.

Knagg's Derivative of Murphy's Law: The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the greater the chance of failure.

Knowles's Laws: 1. The number of bogus selections returned on a search increases exponentially
      with the urgency of your search.
The number of bogus meta tag descriptors and keywords doubles monthly so that no searches will be meaningful
    after the year 2000.
Proper use of language, especially spelling and grammar declines as technology advances.

Knox's Principle of Star Quality: Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, he fades.
    Whenever your team trades away a useless no-name, he immediately rises to stardom.

Kohn’s Collary to Murphy’s Law: Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Kovac's Conundrum: You never get a busy signal, when you dial a wrong number.

Kranske's Law: Beware of the day during which you don't have something to (bitch) complain about.

Kranske's Law: Beware of the day during which you don't have something to complain about.

Krouscup's Law of Supply: If you don't need it and don't want it, there is always plenty of it.

Kubin's Maxim: How feeble are Man's efforts against the unyielding forces of Nature - until the struggle
     is recounted for the grandchildren.

Kulka’s Law of Politics: Never trust one politician’s characterization of another politician’s record.

Kurtin's Law of Survival: It's not who is right, it's who is left.

Kushner's Law: The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely proportional to the number of other people
     who are in a position to do it instead.

Kyle's Creative Caveat: Originality is the art of restarting something everyone else has forgotten. 
  Football Forecast:
The two best games will be broadcast opposite each other.

Kylie's Law of Keys: You will lock yourself out of the house only when no one else is home.


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This page was last updated on 03 August, 2018